Some people are like explosives that all it will take is touching just the wrong wire to cause them explode and send fiery debris all over the place.
And some people have a constant undercurrent of anger that’s not stirred until something or someone stirs up the rage inside them. The residue that has settled in at the bottom of their hearts only needs slight wave to churn up the toxic mire sits just beneath the surface.
It is also like an unstoppable chemical reaction that once the catalyst triggers the process it is very hard to stop. Some people know exactly what is going on and what they are going to end up doing but find it nearly impossible to stop, like a a man beginning the transformation into a wild beast like that of a werewolf.
I used to always have underlying anger and I felt like a walking explosive or a sleeping volcano just ready to explode or erupt and spew volcanic ash on those who made me mad. I tried to contain it and felt terrible after, but like Jekel and Hyde I felt like once the anger was kindled I had as easy of a time controlling the beast of anger as I would trying to wrestle an enrage bull into submission. “Crap! Its coming on and I am going to make a very bad mess of things.” I could feel my posture stiffen like a corpse and my teeth gnashing in rage and my face contort and glare like a rabid animal.
Often in my attempts to control my anger I had to escape into an isolated place where no one could see the terrifying and unbecoming mess that I was. However there were times I could not get away and when I tried to hide it I could not do so. I threw a blanket over the metaphorical fire only for the flames to make their way through the fabric and unleash clouds of smoke into a room.
I was volunteering a few years ago at Camp Barnabas, a Christian summer camp for kids and adults with special needs. While there it was difficult since I was always around people and in a mindless moment I could not go off on people or express all the bottled emotions I felt without making a fool of myself so I crunched down into my arm.
The Lord has brought me into a better place or emotional stability but it took a lot of painful introspection and addressing past events that left festering infected sores on my heart. The blisters I had exploded angry puss and infection. It was a slow process and took around 2 years to really scrape out all the necrotic memories and hurts but praise the Lord! I feel like a healthy whole person, not perfect but I feel the Lord has brought me stability.
A few tips or essentials that helped me:
1.) Learn to forgive-
The people who wrong us in life probably do not deserve forgiveness but forgiveness releases us and allows us to heal. Scraping dead tissue out of a wound is painful but the wounds do not heal with the nasty dead tissue there. When we let the past go and the past offenses go we release the dead tissue in our hearts that keep causing infection to reoccur.
2.) Remove yourself as much as possible from people or triggers that you know will cause you problems. Not that we can do this with every difficult individual or situation but when we can avoid the the triggers that bring out the sinful tendencies in us as often as we can we do ourselves a huge favor, as well as those who care about us. It does no good to repeat poor choices that keep us stuck. Picking scabs and reliving past hurts will keep the pain fresh and alive.
3.) Be honest and transparent with God. He is safe to vent our pain and frustration too. He can handle it, he wont love us less to see us undone. He already knows we are all messes, and thats why He sent Christ to die for all of us. God is not surprised or shocked by us when we are as nasty as we find ourselves. A parent is not shocked when a baby or child that is sick craps all on themselves and is smelly and messy. Good parents do not love their kids less when they are messy but they do intend to clean them up. Bring God your mess and muck and submit to his cleansing. We cannot fix ourselves but we can allow him to fix us. The question is not, “Am I broken beyond repair” but rather, “Am I willing to let him repair me?”
We must admit we need God’s help. Jesus Christ came to save us and bind us up and bring us spiritual healing. We cannot let our pride keep us from admitting we have a problem. The Bible says, “God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble.”
Jeremiah 29:11 For I know the plans I have for you”—this is the Lord’s declaration—“plans for your welfare, not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope.
1 Peter 5:6-7 Humble yourselves, therefore, under the mighty hand of God, so that He may exalt you at the proper time, casting all your care on Him, because He cares about you.